Why am I doing this?

Dear Diary

Today, someone asked how my nonprofit is doing… (okfl.org)

I replied it’s on pause while I heal (it’s a lot of work·to run a nonprofit… and the fun creative parts are kind of dwindling). I then began to ponder the question, why am I doing this? Why did I start a nonprofit to begin with during the most difficult and painful, darkest time of my life? How can I be of help to anyone else if I myself am falling apart? Who am I to give advice? to anyone ?

Then it dawned on me… it turns out my motives were not completely altruistic at all! Perhaps I was trying to convince myself that there is a reason to live. Maybe it was a key part of my own healing to do all this research, writing, design, study, work… albeit, a bit unconventional, I am not sure what the average person would do in my situation… I do not know what is considered normal, since I isolate myself from people out of fear of getting hurt.

What I do know is study. What I do know is creativity. Facts. I know facts about the human body, heart, and mind from my studies. And this knowledge was translated to something I consider remarkably beautiful. Even if nothing becomes of this nonprofit, I will be forever proud of this piece of art okfl.org

I know beauty, the beauty that exists within humanity. My children taught me this beauty. I also know the potential for darkness of the human heart. But I will not let the darkness scare, intimidate, nor define me. I will not let it harden me nor my heart. I pray for wisdom.

I know study. I know writing. I know pain. But I also know love.

Love, and the will to live, are the foundation of okfl.org and this blog.


2 thoughts on “Why am I doing this?

  1. Beautiful piece. I hope your healing continues in a pace that works best for you 🙂

    And your website looks absolutely amazing. You’re doing this for a reason, whether it’s for your own health or that of others, and I am sure it’ll be a success!

    Liked by 1 person

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