Less than a month ago, I had a strong desire & a plan to end my life. A glimmer of hope and spec of energy to fight, however, (among other reasons I may or may not explore) inhibited me from doing so.
It was a war, mostly fought on the battlegrounds of my mind. The “villain”? – that enormous pesky elephant in the conference room. She had been ignored and ostracized by the panel – i.e. other members of the high counsel that is my mind. That elephant was pain, heartbreak, fear, and shame, let’s call her Ellie… She had been thrusted in the corner by her “superior,” younger, yet remarkably bossy and powerful little sister, Reason. Reason always reigned – militant with a stiff upper lip.
Extraordinarily calculated, resolute, and stoic, Madame Reason was absolute best friends with Poise and Hope. Together, the triune panel – was a seemingly indomitable force. Together, they reigned with tyranny and military discipline. No thought nor speech was permitted through my lips nor body language without their review and stamp of approval… Until Ellie had grown too massive to restrain or intimidate… (to be continued)