Lately, my dear friend, Roovie, has been encouraging me to stop and reflect, vs doing. As some might have figured out, I’m a doer; passionate; eager. . .
Yesterday, I reopened a wound I have been healing from. I know I shouldn’t have, but I did. I tried to get someone who rejected me to understand, and to see. I felt like I was being punished for being a good person. But am I good? Is anyone? I know I should give myself and others allowances to be human… For, if I do not, I will only bring myself more pain and heartbreak.
As a citizen of EOE, and a result of my background among other reasons, I understand and see upon reflecting that I try to run to the familiar places when afraid. Unfortunately, that which is familiar for me is not safe. Is not secure. Not healthy
Consequently, my reflection revealed to me that while I look for safety and comfort in the familiar, the familiar is extremely unhealthy… I have trouble letting people in that are wholesome or genuinely care for me.
Actual healthy connections of depth from my end are a challenge for me. Healthy, cordial, above the surface I don’t have a problem with… I am an excellent colleague, student, or acquaintance… I can be a friend to you but cannot allow you in to befriend me. Unfortunately, to allow deep meaningful relationships which bypass the secure locks and bolts protecting my heart and soul, I have issues with. It’s almost as if, down I feel like I deserve to be mistreated. As a result, I subconsciously place myself in situations to be rejected, inadvertently rejecting unfamiliar – the salubrious or sanative, and clinging to the familiar – the damaging and/or toxic
Only the pure of heart am I supposed to let in.
But I do not.
Yes, my heart is broken and shattered to pieces behind the steel barricades.
For, once one finds themselves within the depths, instead of a flourishing city… utter ruins.