So I made the decision of LIFE two weeks ago. (My original suicide letter can be found by clicking here, or by going to the main page.) I’ve documented what I’ve been up to. Suicide or self harm is never the answer. I keep telling myself this despite my feelings.
Because, the truth of the matter is, no one’s ever died from feelings alone. (and no I’m not talking about other natural bodily responses that result from those feelings whether it be cardiovascular, malignancy, etc.).
The fact of the matter is, even though i might not feel like it at the time, for some reason my life’s worth living (or so I must tell myself). I have to remind myself of the same script – God’s not done with you yet, He wants to heal you if you let Him; your family loves and need you, live for them if you’ve given up on yourself; someone somewhere out there loves you, even though your emotions feelings mind is telling you otherwise; you’re talented, gifted, loving, and kind to others…the list continues. The purpose of the choice self-talk is to dump hope within myself in hopes that something will stick. I think of Dr. Frankl, for “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” I have to have to have to, I MUST, remind myself that i have a choice; because, when i’m in that dark place all alone, and the pain from depression and hopelessness feels like two dozen butcher knives being jammed and twisted throughout my body, i have to remember that there is an alternative choice that ending my life to ease the pain.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Viktor E. Frankl
i’ve tried to try self destructive behavior as an alternative to suicide, but apparently, fortunately, i’m not very good at it. my mind keeps telling me – reminding me – that whatever that self destructive behavior is i’m about to engage in is stupid. the justification is stupid. the reality of its impact on my life and my ultimate desire to live will not get better and that’s just stupid.
so i’m trapped in my mind.
trapped in this fight, this struggle… thank God that sound(ish… err … well, sound enough to keep me alive) reason continues to prevail.