What? Is this happiness? Is that a smile I see?

So my previous entries have broadcasted my self talk to the world. My voice of reason vs my irrational side… I’m pretty sure there’s a side that’s just like shut the heck up! I just want to not think 😅 and have my airhead moment in ☮️ peace ✌️

But today, I think reason won 🤔

They’ve been going back and forth – you’ve studied this. You’ve done extensive research. Your brain’s been anatomically and physiologically altered. Pathways of thinking, of reacting, of reasoning – engraved in your mind. There’s no undoing what happened to you. No undoing the horrible things you’ve done or the foundation of who you are, your self image, self esteem, habits, etc. Blah blah blah triggers synapses, chemistry, neurons, biology. You have so much against you. You kind of suck and should just give up.

Yeah… So that side of my reasoning sux to say the least.

She’s right though.

These are all facts.

I am damaged. And scarred;

But then there’s this other side. The side that wants to live. The side that wants to tell the pessimistic mad scientist side to put a sock in it… Hmm, I just realized my reasoning system is very similar to that movie with that guy who took that pill to make him super nerdy smart. But then the same pill kind of kills you so not worth it. What’s my point? What am I saying? I have to re-read and come back. . . I could stop typing but I’m having too much fun lol

Oh yes, the other side…my ying to my yang… Or is it my yang to my ying? I should probably Google that…

AnYhoo, … The other side of the coin (positive side) reminds my that the paths and connections can be rewired. That the damage can be surgically removed fully or partially and replaced with healthy stuff.

It reminds me that yes, the research says all this suckkky stuff .. but it also says a lot of other things to. It reminds me that, yes, the information you have can be of use to you. you don’t need to run or hide anymore. you can face it, face your monsters and go through the process.

you have so many tools in your garage, a skillset unlike most (if that sounds prideful or arrogant btw, it’s okay messed up mom – it’s okay to be proud of yourself and how far you’ve come)

yes, you can make the choice, as you did today to go outside to elevate your serotonin levels – thank you for taking the kids to the beach… thank you for starting the gravity defying snowball of upps. thank you for listening to music today. thank you for dancing. thanks fonsi. thanks for going to the gym. thanks for laughing.

Your mess is actually beauty. because we all have mess. we’re all human.

Don’t forget. and give yourself the allowance to be human;

Because human is beautiful. messy. clumsy. makes mistakes. wallow. gets back up. learn. grow.

i love you mcm. i think you’re a pretty a’ight chick 🙂

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