#ChristmasEve, a very unmerry?

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I met the most creative and sweet lady a week and a half ago while in the hospital. I don’t remember her name, let’s call her Cara for now. but she was very bright. she loved to read and solve jigsaw puzzles. she enjoyed art, good food, and good company.

My nurse, upon my arrival, noticed I had at least half a dozen books in my hand, and immediately foresaw I would become friends with this lady. She switched my original assigned room number from 125 to 126 so that Cara and I could be roomies.

Thank you.

This beautiful smart and creative lady had just lost her only child a few months ago in a car accident. She is still in the hospital and will be for quite a while because it’s not safe for her to be out here. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This will be your first Christmas without your princess, and I know there will be an ocean of tears for the next few days.

I was in such a hurry to get out. I thought I was ready. She knew she was not.

I’m usually the life of the family party. I usually spread joy and happiness to.

My home is usually such a happy place

savory aroma of holiday meals.

music.

children laughter.

Cara, you told me it’s not safe to open up wounds such as mine not in the right environment. or with the right help/treatment.

I had a visual in my mind this morning of my wounds… akin to open heart surgery. in the right sterile environment, with the right team of care professionals, steps and protocols, this can be a life saving procedure. Outside of this, an attempt to self correct a cardiovascular ailment in bob’s garage with pliers and a pair of tweezers, not such a good idea… most definitely lethal.

Cara, while my health has improved significantly since, my chest is still cut wide open and my heart exposed. The blood gushes profusely, and the pain is unbearable. yeah, you were right to say the least. I wasn’t ready.

I am too weak. and vulnerable to infection from the tiniest bacteria, virus, fungi or parasite organism. in my case, trigger. I understand that these very organisms, usually harmless, and sometimes even helpful to the body, can be dangerous under the right circumstances.

But what good is this knowledge for me though?

I keep getting advise from very good intention people who care. and some who don’t give a fookschma. yes i’m talking about you facebook lady.

I understand the gesture. and i appreciate it, really.

but, you see, I am anatomically, emotionally, and, physiologically broken and scarred. psychologically and emotionally bruised. and open. naked. exposed.

I can’t stop reliving it. i am trying to live here in now. i saw old pictures of me, and i look at my young children. How can someone look at her and think ooh i want some of that?! you’re disgusting and i hate what you did to me.

what was the point of this entry again? I’m not sure but i said i hate you for the first time.

and this isn’t a happy christmas eve. I won;t be having a decent christmas. i would settle for numb.

please stop asking how i’m doing. and please stop pretending to care if you don’t. and if you do, please understand that i don’t want to hurt you. and i’m sorry if what i’m going through makes you uncomfortable. i’m not trying to be mean. i just don’t have anything in me to allocate to the diplomacy department at the moment. just please refer to the no thank you article, if i hurt your feelings

I’m debilitated and will only bring everyone’s spirits down.

i just want to be left alone.

merry christmas?

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