I finished writing this about an hour ago. I had a plan. I was in complete despair. And I was convinced that this was the best way. The only way. it was supposed to be released and sent tonight somewhere between midnight and early morning, like 1 or 2 am.
But then, God save my life.
Not in a single moment,. It wasn’t just one big swoop in to save the day, it was The perfect Storm or whatever the opposite of that is. The important thing is that the content within the letter below is no longer my solution to my problem.
To all of you out there who’s ever felt like this, like there’s no hope. That you’ll never find peace, … will you join me? And know that you’re not alone? and know that I’m writing this still in pain.? and know that I don’t have the solution. But I know deep down that suicide is not the way. It’s not the answer.
I will explain what happened in another post …
If you’re receiving this, it means you have played a huge role in my life. because of you, i was able to live instead of merely exist. This letter serves to thank you. I hope you can come make it to my memorial, not for me because I won’t know either way lol. But for my kids, so that they don’t think their mom was a complete loser slash pathetic weak failure.
To those of you I have been most cruel and vile with my tongue, to those of you i have said egregious unpardonable things, know that means you were the ones i cared for the most. Know that I just didn’t know how to accept your love when you tried to give it. know that it terrified me. know that it’s best for you to hate me as it will help you get over this as quickly as possible.
I am supposed to make that appointment. I promised josh i would. but to be honest, i’m extremely exhausted. my husband is exhausted from picking up the pieces. and i’m exhausted from hurting him emotionally and mentally. please write off any personal attacks as the rambling of an unreasonable crazy social miscreant.
Most importantly, please, please understand that none of this is your fault. I’ve attached my essay written to the university a few years for you to see I am not just saying that to make you feel better. The damage was already done long before you. there is absolutely nothing you could have done that could have contributed this pain. equate this illness to cancer., that may be helpful for you? i was raised in a war zone in between rival street gangs. I’ve witnessed the darkness, man devalue and take the life of another. i’ve witnessed a man, skinned, being placed in the ambulance, instead of grief pain or fear, spewing words of hate & vengeance. During the period of my molestation, I was so thankful that I wasn’t being raped and chopped into little pieces. (that was my biggest childhood fear). But it was only a matter of time until I was. not before though an attempt at age 11, in primary school. a group of older boys dragged me through the rocky path towards the bathroom after school. though i was saved by a passerby, i was welcomed home with a beating from my caretaker because my uniform was dirty and ripped. i didn’t get a chance to say why. I cannot stomach anymore to share. My point is that there’s nothing you could have done to hurt me. You cannot and could not reject me. I hurt myself. I reject myself. The reality is, I didn’t need your help to feel worthless. The reality is, my dear loved one, is that being tossed around and crushed the first half of my life had already embedded programs in my brain. My self worth was already in the negative. It couldn’t get much lower. I know deep down I am worth nothing. I try to convince myself otherwise with these exterior fluff of accomplishments. But the reality is, I am nothing. I have spent countless hours researching the science behind happiness. But I fear the damage is too severe, irreparable in my case. though i’ve tried to spread happiness and joy to others. one cannot blame others for his or her own unhappiness. know that i tried my best and if i let you down, i am sorry.
my ashes i don’t care what you do with it. please do not waste money or space for a burial.
none of you could have or can save me. and it’s done.
To those closest to me:
Josh, you won’t leave me. you won’t let me leave without a fight. you’ve spent over a decade trying to protect me. but the more you loved me, the more i hurt you. I’m sorry you’ve always been there for me and i villainize you and pushed you away. or at least i tried to. but unfortunately you wed shattered glass, and the edges are sharp. i’m sorry you were never able to express your feelings because everything and anything is amplified by my own pain. i’m sorry i caged you emotionally. i’m sorry you have dedicated so many years to taking care of me and trying to keep me alive. i want you to finally live. you are so strong and loving. our kids love you so much. and i’m happy to have grown with you. after you discover this message, it will hurt for a while. but you’ll see, you’ll finally be able to live. i love you so much and i do not want to hurt you anymore. you rescued me from a horrible place. you took me out of the pit as a scared bruised cutter and showed me there was another way. a brighter way. i brought my toothbrush to your house one day and never left. no matter how many times you asked me. i’m sorry for that btw. you told me to read the bible for myself instead of being told what it says by others. I have overcome so much because of you. but there’s just too much. this is not a rejection of you. i am so sorry i wasn’t strong enough to hold on any longer.
Naomi, as pathetic as it might sound, you were one of my three best friends . you truly know me. i’m sorry i villainized you. i love you. continue on the path you’re on, you’re amazing strong beautiful competent loving and kind. i sent a message to your husband about you a little while back singing your praises. i truly meant it and am so proud of you and to have known you. if someone were to see you now and compare to 4 yrs ago, they would say you changed so much. i say you’ve always been there. shoo you black ducks. I would have never been able to experience such insight and depth of understanding my faith if it wasn’t for you. i was able to talk for hours at a time about Hashem and his glory. his perfect nature, his perfect laws, his perfect love. he is the only one perfect. and only he can handle my pain and brokenness. i’m sorry i cut you emotionally with my sharp edge words.
Charlie, thank you for protecting my friend. take care of her. be gentle to her. she is so much stronger and smarter than you give her credit for. she is intentional about parenting your kids down to a science and as your wife. she does extensive research on how to excel at nurturing and growing your little ones to be the Cohens and princesses hashem created them to be. i admire your strength and decisive command in protecting your family.
Bryan, you were the hardest to upset and push away of those unrelated. you’re too cool dude. and extremely brilliant. you figured me out in a matter of weeks these insecurities and my actual state i’ve tried to mask for years. you also have the gift to see beyond the masks into the soul. you knew when i came to give that gift to edna that was supposed to be goodbye. i understand you had compassion. and i am grateful, but also experienced fear because i’m not used to that level of kindness consistently. i thought about it, i’m concerned for you because you kind of foresaw this. and you tried to save me. you tried to be patient with me. but i did everything in my power to push you away. which was very hard. the reality is i am unsavable. this is not your fault. and that “lash out” i keep rehashing – you just told me you were my boss. everyone else – please tell him that he did nothing wrong. if i can’t handle that, i was already toast in the real world. i hope you can see that. you helped me. life support wise. but you could not save me.
Aunt elsie you tried your best to be there for me. you tried to support me. but how could you? i love you so much but cannot be around you. because there’s nothing i can do to help you. i feel so selfish but i couldn’t see you so weak with cancer. i fear i would die a more painful and slow death of heartbreak. i love you. so much. you taught me. you supported me. you encouraged me. you loved me.
Cheryl you don’t know it but you changed the course of my life. you pushed the importance of critical thinking and research. which has been a defibrillator used on a regular basis. it helped me reason with my “elephant” as long as i could. eventually, she caught on to my debates and now they mean nothing to her.
Mom, you tried your best. i am so proud of where you’ve come from. i am proud of your independence and growth. please know this isn’t your fault. that i understand that you tried your best. that i appreciate that you outsourced to the best schools and tutors. regularly sent me to church. and tried to make me tough the way you knew how.
Aleatha, Jan and Reggie, thank you for trying to be there for my family. you are the mamas and papa i didn’t have. i’m sorry. you tried to encourage me. you never gave up on me. you tried to love me.
unfortunately, i am unlovable and unworthy.
**** Some names of my loved ones, friends, and frenemies have been changed for their privacy ****